A sociable loner.

It’s weird beause I’ve always considered myself to be super extroverted.

I have no problem making friends, being social with people – I LOVE to talk.

But as I’ve gotten older I realize more and more how much of a loner I can tend to be. Maybe I’m just a homebody, but I need alone time like you wouldn’t believe.

I could be sitting in a room full of people and still be all by myself.

I noticed this a lot over the summer. I’d see a bunch of my friends going out, partying, always being together. I was invited barely now and then when they felt like it – but that’s another story. I’d sit at home and watch their snapchats and pictures on instagram and wish I was a part of it. But the very few times that I was there, I wasn’t really in the mood. They’d want to go out and stay up all night to the wee hours of the morning and be surrounded by individuals just kissing each other’s asses and getting too drunk to handle and sleeping wherever they ended up. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have a good time. I’m full of life and when the right song comes on – forget about it. When I’m with the right people and the right place feeling the right kind of way, I love to dance and party and be wild and be free. But at the end of it all, I need to be in my safe place. My comfort zone. I need to recharge. I need to be alone and centered. I couldn’t settle with just being around so many people for so long, out of my element.

Maybe I just haven’t found the right people to be that with yet.

I’m not miserable, not bored, not anti-social, just feel like being a little more to myself sometimes. I like company, and I love when I can be “alone” with my friends and each of us just not care. Ya know?

My friend Megan and I sat in my room together one day. I had music playing on my laptop and I folded laundry while she sat in my bean bag chair just kinda chilling, scrolling through her phone. We didn’t have to be talking every second, we were comfortable with the silence.

We both said how nice it is just to be in the company of each other but being lazy and doing our own shit.

This leads me into my next thought. How do you feel when you can sit next to someone and be completely quiet, for minutes straight? Does it make you squirm in your seat? Does it make you feel anxious? Uncomfortable?

Or can you bear the awkward silence? Can you bear your thoughts roaming to extents that you can’t control, because you’re not speaking them aloud? Can you feel the energy of peace between you and the other person? Or is it not peace?

I think it’s a sign of strength and confidence when you can do this. Not to say that talkative people are weak, maybe they’re just uncomfortable. Maybe their relationship with the person whose ear they need to talk off isn’t as strong as it should be. My closest, most honest and deepest relationships are the ones with the people, friends and romances that I can be in silence with.

We can be right next to each other, flank to flank, doing our own thing, not speaking. Not really interacting at all. Or we can be in the same room, together but alone. It’s really interesting. I think these moments and these relationships are so important.

So I did some research:

am·bi·vert: noun
– a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.

ex·tro·vert: noun
– an outgoing, overtly expressive person.

in·tro·vert: noun
– a shy, reticent person.

So, maybe I’m a loner, maybe I’m a social butterfly, maybe I’m expressive, maybe I’m an ambivert, extrovert, introvert, define me how you please. I think I’m still not there yet, not exactly who I’m going to be. Maybe I never will be, maybe I’m not meant to be just one specific person. And that fascinates me. I’ll be able to live and experience so much in so many different versions of myself.